I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
