saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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