Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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