Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
