I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
