Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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