please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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