she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
did i just pee glitter
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
