one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
