I could make wine with my vomit
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
