the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
