I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
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VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
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Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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