we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
