Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
