i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
