Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
