Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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