he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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