I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
