whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
