Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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