i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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