You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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