new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
