I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
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we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
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He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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