im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
