i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
