come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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