I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
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