alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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