it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
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