I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
