I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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