listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
