onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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