It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
We're too hungover to prance.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
