I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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