New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
He passed out mid-signature
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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