I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
