Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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