i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
