Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
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This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
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I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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