When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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