I just made out with a guy for $7.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
