Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
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