this beer tastes like vomit already
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
