She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
