If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
