He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
