the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
