paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
