Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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