shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i barfeds in our rink
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
