I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize