She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
