I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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