Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
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