She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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